There are no planets in retrograde!

Your Hilarious Planetary Retrograde Horoscope

Greetings, stardust-infused life forms! As the cosmic traffic controller, I must announce some interesting planetary movements. It seems many planets have decided to moonwalk backwards and we're left to deal with the celestial consequences. So, strap in your seat belts and let's dive into this astrological mumbo jumbo!

Mercury in Aries

Mercury is doing the cha-cha slide in Aries, causing everyone to sound like Daleks on fast-forward. Expect miscommunications that could rival any "Who's on First" skit. Remember to practice patience, or as the Daleks say, "Calm-inate, Calm-inate!" #MercuryInAries #CommunicationBreakdown

Venus in Pisces

Venus has gone retrograde in Pisces. This means your love life may feel like you’re stuck in a Doctor Who episode where everyone speaks only in rhyme. Embrace the confusion and remember, love's language is universal. Even Daleks can feel it. #VenusInPisces #LoveInTheTimeOfRetrograde

Mars in Pisces

Mars has joined Venus in Pisces, and the energy feels like a Dalek running on low battery. Things may seem slower than an asthmatic snail, but remember, slow and steady wins the race. #MarsInPisces #SlowMoLife

Jupiter in Taurus

Jupiter in Taurus is about as predictable as a Dalek on a disco dancefloor. Expect the unexpected and, if all else fails, just do the Time Warp again. #JupiterInTaurus #DiscoDalek

Saturn, Neptune in Pisces & Uranus in Taurus

The moon is currently in Sagittarius, at 05 degrees, 18' 17", at a velocity of 12.59 degrees per day.

The Waning Gibbous moon is currently 19.3 days old. It is 388911.9 km from the centre of the Earth.

The next new moon is at 18:23:21, 8 Apr 2024. The next full moon is at 23:51:09, 23 Apr 2024.

Solar wind parameters were at nominal levels. Solar wind speed declined from approximately 400 km/s to near 340 km/s. Total field ranged from 1-4 nT. Phi angle was variable.

There is a 20% chance of solar activity, with a 5% chance of a minor event, a 1% chance of a moderate event, and a 1% chance of a strong event.